Growing up.

Freedom also means taking decisions which are not easy. At times we need to parent ourselves and do what is best for us even when it is boring, entirely unimaginative. When we start taking responsibility for everything that we do, that's when we truly become an adult.

Questions

Love is a strange thing ? When can one say that one is in love ? Like a disease it has phases too and hence every phase has different symptoms.

Is it when you just want to look at someone endlessly losing yourselves in her big deep eyes ? or is it worrying about her just a little more than you do about others ? Is it the flutter in your heart when she smiles everytime ? or is it when you exactly know what she is going to do or say when something happens ?

Is it your heart skipping a beat when you touch her unintentionally for the first time ? or is the peace and comfort you feel when you hold her hand? Is it the stage when your eyes are too full of her to see something negative in her? or is it the stage when you are aware that she is just like you, flawed and fragmented?

Is it the initial hopefulness(may foolhadiness too) when world seems to be endless with possibilities and everything around you seems to be pleasant but irrelevant? or is it the time when you know that world may not nice, future may not be perfect, yet present is peaceful enough for you to be with her and thank god for that ?

Is it the time when there is nothing in this world which you wouldn't do to make her happy ? or Is it the time when you know it may not always be possible, but you take solace in fact that you wouldn't do anything to make her unhappy,knowingly.

Is it when it always feels like springs, colours seem bright, birds chirp happily, sky is just the bluest of the blue and looking out of a window is a cheer up ? Or is it when air around you seem damp, blue of the sky is not blue enough, nevertheless life is bearable because she is in your arms ?

Good Luck Dear Friend

At times one gets too busy in one's own life that we completely lose track of people around us, and if you are in a b-school this might happen quite a lot. In fact it takes a while before you realize who you have lost along the way. Not to say that life here is very busy, it is just that we form a very small circle of people and tend to lose ourselves in that circle only. People out of this immediate circle get lost in the background. You see them once in a while, say Hi and move on with your life.

A week ago, while surfing orkut (which indicates the abundance of time available) a friend's name flashed in my friend list and it struck me, that I haven't seen her for quite a while, inspite of fact that she is in same campus. Then it also struck me that she was dropped from the college due to poor academic performance. When it happened, I was also one of the many people who felt upset to hear the news. But soon enough, we got immersed into our lives and soon enough it was 3 months after that fateful day when we got the news.

Conveniently I forgot that a person existed around us and she was a friend. I am not sure why I am writing this but I felt bad for forgetting a friend so quickly, don't know why.

Anyways, all the best my dear friend, may you do well wherever you go.

Quarter Life Crisis

Something I found somewhere and felt like sharing.

BEING IN TWENTIES - SOMETHING... :)

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty-something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...

We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

GoBaldyLook

So finally after such a long time, I took the plunge & went "full monty" with my head.Translated, I shaved my head :). My hairs were coarse, full of dandruff (ewww..), falling & turning grey, and that's when I realized, it is time for "a new beginning". Apart from that I wanted to do it at least once till it is in my hand (or on my head :P ), just another tick on my 'bucket list' :).

What I really found interesting were some of the responses (though I must admit, not completely unexpected :P ) :

Here are some of them ( in no particular order ) :

• Inability to recognize me from 2 feets away when they saw me for the first time. One of my friend called me 'Chotu' and almost asked me to bring him some chaai.

• Why ? Why ? Why ? ( with supressed laughter juxstaposed with shock... I would interpret it as awe ,courtesey my glorious GoBaldyLook :P ). Supressed laughter later turned into uncontrollable hoo..hoo..haa..haa...with the clutching of the stomach and a pointed finger at me.

• What happened ? (almost a shreik !!! ), Gum got stuck in your hair ?

• Everything alright at home (Owing to a Hindu tradition ), I quickly reassured them that nothing of the sort has happened and then can go ahead, laugh and make fun of me. Everyone obliged :)

• The priceless open mouth with popping eyes.

• The rhetorical question, "Dude .. what the F*&^$ ?"

• The mean and loud laugh (It hurts.. man :( , coming from the person who knows how to do it)

there were some others, but I'll save them for a sequel ( I can very well write a book :) )

Stay Beautiful
Amitabh

P.S. : I am not going to post a pick of my own, enough people made fun of me already ...boo hoo hoo :D

The year gone by

"Sir, my name is Amitabh Singh Yadav and I am waitlisted 18 for the PMIR course.
waitlist 18 ?
Yes Sir.
PMIR ?
Yes Sir.
Amitabh ..Singh Yadav.
Yes Sir.

Your waitlist has been cleared and we will send you the formal admission letter in 3-4 days.

Are you sure sir ?

Yes .. now be patient and wait for your offer letter .... and the person on the other side of the phone call hung up. "


It took a while for this news to sink in me. When it did .. I did an impromptu Salsa step (which I was learning those days) and my colleague who was with me for breakfast was amused to see it.

Then I told her, "I am going to XLRI Jamshedpur" with the widest possible grin on my face.

Recently I completed a year after that fateful day and the journey so far has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.

This is my attempt to look behind past my shoulders to reminisce about what has happened in one of the most eventful year of my life.

This was the year :

• When I again started to believe in dreams and possibility of impossible dreams coming true. What happens after they come true is altogether a different story.

• When I made 3 friends, and if I were a corporation and friends were my profits, I am not only beating recession, I am making a killing of it.

• When my dear Sister found the love of her life and decided to get married.She has became a Mumbaikar now.

• When I hurt someone because of being nice to me.

• When I read too much, understood a lot but learnt very little.

• When the time went by faster than it ever could.

• When I saw the rich people (too rich for their own good) and the poor people( too poor to get hold of their next meal) and my sense of justice took almost a U-turn.

• When I saw 14 interview shortlists without my name before seeing the one with my name for the Summer Internship Process. As it turned out, that was enough :)

• When I again tried to fight prejudices of many, failing often and succeeding rarely.I plan to continue doing the same.

• When old age caught up with me for the first time. The sign ? It is not the grey hairs(though I have few of them head) and I am yet to grow a fully blown beard or moustache. Rather it is the year where emotions got the better of me, I have become rather more sentimental and emotional than I ever was. I just hope it is a temporary phase.

• When even after going through this ... I am not any wiser. :)

Stay Beautiful
Amitabh

Courage of Compromise

I am a restless person. I cannot stay at a place for long. I have to move and go someplace else. I cannot stay still for long, and then I also cannot stay silent for long. I don't know if it is a good thing or bad but the fact that I have survived so far indicates that it's not a real cause for worry.

 

But I wonder what it means .. and why is it so ? Over the time I have realized that my inability to make peace with my present is one of reasons I am this way. I HAVE to move away, I HAVE to find something better, I HAVE to be something else and then I see other people.

 

I see kind that is like me, which I must say is in plenty and confirm my belief in my disappointing commonality. I also see the kind which is different and is in rarity, the kind that has made peace with what they have and make the best of it. Their life is not the endless struggle of haves and have nots but rather a poignant conduct with which they live every second of their lives, keeping the remains of their once cherished dreams, hidden from the world and deep down the depths of their hearts. It is not very difficult to identify such a person, their eyes tells you their stories. The calmness past the days of juvenile excitement in those eyes is sometime soothing and sometime mocking; telling us where we stand and where we could have been. The relief of being past the chase that once haunted them is apparent in those eyes.

 

If I have confused you(which I am sure I have), just think of a female relative who was far too educated to be the wife of your dork uncle but still chose to make the best of her home, her kids. Think of an uncle who is too good for the place or his job but still chose to give his job the best he can and still love that God forsaken place. Fools might believe that these people were not in love with their dreams enough to pursue them. Actually, I believe nothing can be farther from the truth. Dreams are always cherished, by one and by all. Some of us had to let go of them mostly because of things that are beyond our control. In fact, sometimes it is easier to fight than to give up and move on because it requires a certain amount of emotional maturity to do so.

 

What most of us don't understand that life probably is not about pursuing a better future; it sometimes can also mean simply living and cherishing our present. They say something about "counting your blessings" ..right ? That is what I am talking about. No matter what they say about the will and its way, the truth we all know deep down in our hearts is that there are dreams which won't come true. So what do we do ? Some people turn bitter, for their whole lives. They refuse to accept the truth. But, some people do accept this reality and move on and make the best of what they have. Fighting is sometimes easier than giving up or what we know as compromise. This rare ability of people to accept the their fate is what I call the courage of compromise.

To know is to Be.

In Buddhist religion, there is a term called "Karuna", compassion being its closest synonym in English.When we understand the true meaning of this word, we move closer to the very key to understand people.

A person can not be understood by staying where we are.To understand a person, we will need to reach out,offer a helping hand, put yourself in his shoes and try to feel his sorrows & experience his happiness.

When we do that, the answer to the question(which we all have asked at one point or the other), "How could he do it ? " suddenly becomes clear.

Needless to say, practicing "Karuna" is very difficult.When we are kids, we are not mature enough to understand it.When we grow up & are young, there are too many people around us to understand and we are always in a unexplainable hurry. Who has the time to be compassionate to so many people ? We pick some and we leave some, whoever is convenient to keep around is kept.Those who are difficult, are left behind.

As we grow old and are left with fewer people, then it becomes a lot easier to understand the meaning of "Karuna". But then only a few of us understand it since age and wisdom rarely go hand in hand.Nevertheless those who do become wiser with age, become more forgiving, and experience a rare sense of calm and peace.

Understanding people is a slow and painful process. We can not gain trust without trusting, we can't avoid being judged without being non-judgmental ourselves. We must be ready to make allowances, ready to become a little vulnerable.When we raise big walls around us, neither we see anyone nor anyone sees us.We take this risk of getting hurt with the people we love.They in turn do the same, believing that we will never hurt them, and when we do hurt each other, we have the belief that it was not what we meant to do. Faith is the key to any successful relationship.If we lose it, we lose each other.

If you haven't realized by now, we all can be accused of (at one point or the other) of hurting most the people we love the most. Maybe the assurance that they would not leave us has something to do with it. Mostly they suffer in silence, sometimes they tell us.But still they stay because when you love someone, you ought to accept the worst along with the best. There is no selection, only a peaceful acceptance of the person the way he is. You are aware of your own frailty and hence you accept their imperfections. We practice Karuna with people we care about, every single day, every single moment, because we know and we understand.. we understand.