But I don't feel anything, not even an iota of sadness or regret. I will go ahead and confess that I felt sadder by hearing about the death of Tony Greig than the death of the girl. I wish I knew precisely why I feel that way, but I doubt I do. Make no mistake, my unreasonable feelings have again put me in an embarrassing situation and I am acutely aware of my shame in admitting my guilt. I know that I should feel something; in fact I should feel a lot more than something, considering the sheer gruesomeness of the incident which led to the death of the girl. She fought hard but eventually she succumbed to the ultimate eventuality. Somewhere deep within we all knew that this would happen, some were aware of it, some weren't. Some had accepted it and were asking for bigger changes, some were denying it and were baying for the blood of criminals who did this to her. Some like me (and I am sure there would not be so many) didn't really care and wondered what the fuss was about.
I am sure I wasn't born this way, it was easy for me to get disturbed by seeing or hearing about someone's pain. In fact, as a child, I would have cried if my brother or sister got hurt. But then I was asked to grow up by my friends, relatives and parents. Since I was a boy, I was told not to cry when I got hurt because that's what guys do, they don't cry, simple enough. Now I shout or yell when I get hurt, I don't cry. Then I grew up a little more and started caring about the world around me, I saw so many dreadful things happening in our country and around the world. I got to know about it from the newspaper, TV and now through internet. My world had truly expanded and so my exposure to unfortunate events of unimaginable cruelty and size. Initially I read about the Ayodhya riots, I felt disturbed and felt like murdering every politician who made people kill each other. Then when I got interested about history, I read about partition riots and riots in 1984. When I read the details of the heinous acts committed by people in those riots, when I met someone who has lost his father and brother in 1984 and moving on, my faith in humanity was lost to a great extent. Those days, I used to feel bad about such things and I did. But then I looked around and I saw people rather unaffected by such things. I was at a loss to understand how they could do that, know about something like this and still not feel anything. Then I heard and read about things which happen in Jammu & Kashmir and the Eastern states. I met someone who was sent away from his home by his father so that he will not be kidnapped, killed by militants or worse by the military. I again felt something, but now that I know that worse may happen, the intensity of my feelings were rather subdued but I did felt something.
After that I got to know about terrorism and naxalism in our country and worldwide. Since I have seen poverty and destitution, I was able to understand to some extent why people take up arms and become ready to die.Bomb blasts were not new but then they became a regular feature of our country news items. One was never sure where would the next bomb explode, I felt terrible when I heard about those, felt lucky to be alive and about not losing any loved one of mine and moved on like many others. By then, I was working; feeling something and being upset was a luxury which I didn't had. More so, it wasn't “professional” and hence I have to put away my already not so intense feelings.
6000 people have died in Mumbai local in last 3 years while travelling between their home and workplace. Now I don't feel much about them. Around 22000 women are raped every year in India (As per National Crime Records Bureau) and 40 thousands women are molested every year. I do not feel much for them as well. I can feel once, I can feel twice but how do I feel 22000 times a year and remain sane.
Ours is not a country for people with feelings. Feelings are a luxury that only privileged people can afford to have. The common people should not feel too much, it will only drive them crazy. My feelings have been reserved exclusively for people who either are my friends or are related by blood to me. This is not something that I have done willingly. It has happened to me over a period of time and I wonder if that is not the case with a lot of people around me. This rather callous attitude towards things that happen around you is a necessity to live in today's world.
I envy people who can still feel so strongly about these incidents, they vent out their feelings through FB, twitter or by talking to their friends and sometimes even writing or talking to a government officials. Some would go to the extent that feelings are important for the change we want and I would like to desperately believe them but considering all that has happened in the past, it’s only a leap of faith and till then I doubt I will feel anything for the girl.
